Jackson Lab: Non-Soldier Mice Much Healthier

BAR HARBOR – Mice that are not ordered into combat situations are much less likely to develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or Limbs Blown Off Syndrome, researchers at Jackson Lab announced yesterday.

“These remarkable findings may put us on the path to discovering how we can reduce the number of humans who wind up with these terrible afflictions,” said lead scientist Dr. Harold Chapman. “And it will qualify us for another six zillion or so dollars in federal grant money. Score!”

Details of the three-year study will be published in next month’s Journal of Barbaric Science.

“Basically, we armed several thousand mice with automatic rifles, grenades, and rocket launchers,” explained Chapman. “We then set up a control group, an equal number of mice living in the exact same conditions, except without the weapons.”

The results, he said, were “striking.”

"We can no longer live as rats, Mrs. Brisby. We know too much."

“We began to see a difference almost immediately,” Chapman said. “I’m pretty happy about that, since those limp-dicks running the glaucoma study took five years to come up with their missing retina gene, or whatever the hell it was.”

Of the mice who survived the experiment, a startling 79% suffered “life-altering bodily harm,” and 84% developed signs of PTSD or other mental illnesses, reported Chapman, who is confined to a wheelchair and missing his left arm, but declined to discuss his medical history.

Phase II of the study, in which female mice were raped continuously by a male control group that had been repeatedly exposed to glorified violence and celebrations of sexual conquest, showed even more convincing results, with 94% of the females developing multiple symptoms of mental illness within two weeks.

The results bear bittersweet significance to the 1.7 million Americans suffering from PTSD, says Lorraine McFarlane, President of the PTSD Awareness Society of America.

“It’s a relief to know what is causing our suffering, but it’s probably not going to help those of us who already left pieces of our bodies in Iraq or lost our virginity to Uncle Gerald’s cane,” McFarlane said. “Hopefully, science like this will help our political and cultural leaders begin to see the link between violence and debilitating mental distress.”

When asked if he expected any backlash from animal rights groups regarding how mice were treated in this study, Chapman was not contrite.

“Is it really any worse than giving them eyeball cancer or whatever?” he asked. “We’re talking about discoveries that could save human lives, here. At least I’m not bathing them in toxic perfumes so your hair can smell nicer.”

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Comments

  1. but surely l.b.o.s. must first be proven through a few other objective studies. i mean, maybe those mice just thought their limbs were blown off. what if it was the placebo (or in this case, elbow) effect? until we’re quite certain that their stress, lopsidedness and fondness for prosthetic limbs is genuine, we really ought to continue exploding them. just til all the results are in.

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