Lewiston Named “Maine’s Shittiest Town”

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LEWISTON – This Androscoggin County hub, Maine’s 2nd largest municipality, remains the state’s Shittiest Town, according to a recent poll of Sardine Report Readers who have an admirable grasp of the obvious.

A startling 41% of readers chose Lewiston over Sanford, Biddeford, Arundel, Hermon, and “Throw a Dart Anywhere North or East of Bangor.”

“I was hoping some other town would sneak up and make a surprise run at first place,” said Lewiston Mayor Laurent F. Gilbert, Sr, “but Maine has a long tradition of shitting on Lewiston, dating back well before the Civil War. I guess there’s no reason to expect it to end anytime soon.”

Other city officials were not available for comment because they were busy running from gang fights and cruising for prostitutes, but sources say members of the city council have already started a Facebook group called “We are the 59% of Sardine Report Readers Who Did Not Vote for Lewiston as Maine’s Shittiest Town.”

Lewiston first earned its reputation as a complete hole after a period of industrial decline gutted the downtown area, which remained largely abandoned and depressing through the 1980s and 1990s. Urban renewal efforts have attracted some new businesses, but not enough to scrub away the stain left by decades of squalor. The city’s reputation as an attractive home for lower-income families also reflects … oh, fuck it. You know the place is a dump. We don’t need to explain why.

The poll did offer one surprise, however: a second-place finish by Moncton, New Brunswick.

More than 23% of those responding to the poll selected “Throw a Dart Anywhere North or East of Bangor.” Unfortunately, The Sardine Report’s editor and publisher, His Excellency Juan Carlos McKay, has awful aim with a dart.

Readers submitted several write-in nominations. Some placed called “Disgusta” earned four votes.

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Comments

  1. Evidently no one from Lewiston reads this. Or they all agree.

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