Acadia Patients, CEOs Kept On Streets
By Karl Chocensky
BANGOR – Eastern Maine’s foremost mental health and drug rehabilitation center today announced it will fill its vacant CEO position using the same “Revolving Door” policy it has for patients.
The previous CEO of The Acadia Hospital, David Proffitt, resigned last week after it was revealed that he had a fake diploma, controversial employment history, and the leadership skills of a bull elephant in rut.
His replacement has not been named, but sources close to the hospital’s board of directors say they anticipate having no trouble finding suitable candidates.
On a typical night Acadia admits up to thirty attempted suicides, fifteen psychotics, and hundreds and hundreds of drugged-up teens, all of which are carefully screened before being considered for the hospital’s top administrative position.
Almost all of these patients have been in and out of the system for so long the staff know them by name, providing a “more reliable and predictable pool of candidates than what we might get by advertising on Craigslist, which is what we usually do,” said Acadia’s Director of Public Relations, Philip Hutchinson.
The policy works well to “ensure that [patients] get the help they need before being quickly tossed back onto the frozen streets,” Hutchinson added. “Such an efficient mechanism for treating the mentally ill only makes sense to apply to our higher-level employees, as well.”
The policy works like this: a patient is admitted to the hospital and screened by trained staff. After the screening the patient is given a paper cup and a grab-bag full of medications. They are then driven to the outskirts of Bangor and dropped off at a Mobil Station near a Motel Six.
Any patients who don’t die of exposure or murder their parents are likely to be readmitted within thirty-six hours, the typical time it takes for the mixture of sedatives, anti-psychotics, and experimental research drugs to wear off.
“We’ve found that with our current readmission rate staying at about 98%, this is the most cost-effective method for treating patients and hiring administrators,” Hutchinson said.
Acadia kicked off the search process by renting a bus and shipping one-hundred and thirty-five patients out of the facility ready to trickle back in over the next few days.
“We’ll be ready for them when they come back. We’ll stick them with needles, make them swallow some pills, and let them back out. Maybe a few will even recover. Not. That’s a little psychiatry joke I like to make. They won’t,” Hutchinson said.
Instead, they will be passed along to the second round of job interviewing, which, looks remarkably like the first.
After the second round, every 30th patient who returns to the hospital will be named “CEO for a day,” thereby giving them the financial resources to seek better help elsewhere.
“It’s a win-win for us and for the patients,” explained Acadia board member Everett Kruger. “The patient earns a valuable and potentially transformative life experience, and we get leadership that can’t possibly be as bad as what we had before.”