LePage Orders DEP Building Torn Down

Environmental Protection Deemed “Anti-Business”

AUGUSTA – Gov. Paul LePage today ordered the destruction of the state office building that houses the Department of Environmental Protection, citing complaints that the agency has a “one-sided” agenda of protecting natural resources at the expense of business.

“When you walk in the door, you get an immediate impression,” said LePage’s spokesman, Dan Demeritt. “It’s very one-sided. The governor works for all the people of Maine, not just the ones who like to drink clean water.”

Don't you dare click on this phony teaser.The governor’s office released a faxed complaint from “a secret admirer,” very similar to the one that sparked controversial removal of murals from the Department of Labor.

“Many of the paintings in the hallways depict streams, mountains, and forests in their undisturbed natural splendor,” the complaint reads. “This is unacceptable. Can you imagine how a paper industry official must feel having to see these images in a taxpayer-funded building?”

Demerrit said LePage originally ordered the artwork removed from the DEP hallways, but quickly realized that the building, itself, and everyone working in it, “represent an even greater level of disrespect for our state’s rich history of clear-cutting timber, overfishing the ocean, and dumping industrial waste into rivers.”

One of the offending images, a poster replica of Edwin Church's 1895 masterpiece "Good Spot for a Wendy's."

Throngs of protesters, most of whom had just returned home from protesting about the labor murals, got right back in their cars and sped to Augusta all over again upon hearing the news of the DEP’s fate.

“This is just unacceptable,” said Bonnie Krause, 47, of Blue Hill, standing with dozens of cohorts as they discussed taking up permanent residence near the state capital for the next 3 1/2 years. “Don’t we have better things to be worrying about than whether the idea of protecting some endangered beaver offends the CEO of Plum Creek?”

Probably haunted anyways.

The DEP building, located at 28 Tyson Drive in Augusta, is probably haunted, anyways.

The protesters, so angry that not a single one even chuckled at the use of the word “beaver,” were not appeased by the governor’s offer to donate the building, considered an historic representation of 20th-century architecture, to a museum.

“Honestly, who goes to art museums anymore?” said Krause.

As news of LePage’s order spread through the capital, reaction was mixed. Republican lawmakers said they supported the move; Rep. Andre Cushing of Hampden suggesting DEP officials might become “more responsive” to the needs of industry if forced to work without desks or offices.

Workers at the Department of Inland Fisheries and Wildlife could be seen frantically scrambling to hide or cover up anything that didn’t look like a plain wall, then desperately emailing their résumés to similar agencies in other states.

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Comments

  1. Matthew L. Powell says:

    best post yet! How about one where in reaction to The Triangle fire anniversary, Fat Paul finds the fire safety laws “anti-business” and orders sprinkler systems to be removed. He justifies the order by saying “all people will get are little burns”.

  2. Deb Fahy says:

    this is sheer genius reporting! I’m signing up so I can get my unbiased, awesome news straight from the source. Gonna cancel my newspaper subscription too since buying a Maine daily newspaper is like paying someone to lie to you.

  3. Funny piece. The artist’s name is Frederic Edwin Church. He was one of America’s super star artists in the 19th century and had a camp on Lake Katahdin. His Victorian-fantasy-of-Middle-Eastern-architecture home, Olana, over looks the Hudson River, outside Hudson, NY, and is open to the public.

  4. What is sad, is that the Baldachi administration already approved commercial developement overlooking the land that picture that the “Wendy’s” Joke was made from. A $65,000,000 resort that is in its early stages. Thankfully, the owners refused to sell to the resort owners. The article is a GREAT work of art though. 😉

  5. Bah hahahahaha!

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