Wedgies, Swirlies Will Subside, Predicts Buddhist-Convert Ex-Governor
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Reclusive former governor John Baldacci spoke to the media yesterday for the first time since leaving Augusta, and said he is acclimating well to his new career after spending the last two months in a Buddhist monastery.
“My meditations have brought me much peace,” said Baldacci, wearing only a towel and sitting cross-legged on the floor of his unfurnished new office. “I feel called to enlighten our armed services in the ways mindful conflict.”
While his primary duty is to straighten out what many experts regard as a dysfunctional system of delivering health care to military personnel, Baldacci said his teachings will extend to other corners of The Pentagon, as well.
“The wisdom of Buddha and The Tao permeates my sinewy body and my quiet mind, and thus may easily be absorbed from my soul into others,” he said. “Soon, our generals will understand that one may engage a foe without invading them, and exhaust their strength without fighting them.”
By embracing ancient teachings of far-Eastern religion and philosophy, Baldacci said, the Department of Defense will realize enormous savings in caring for soldiers, primarily because it won’t be sending nearly as many of them to distant corners of the world to have large pieces of metal thrust violently into their bodies.
His experience with the controversial Dirigo Health initiative provided important lessons about overcoming political adversity. “There is no worse disaster than misunderstanding your enemy,” he said. “When two well matched forces oppose each other, the general who maintains compassion will win.”
Pentagon employees say Baldacci carries an ethereal aura of joy and spiritual tranquility, which his new colleagues are diligently trying to eliminate with daily wedgies and swirlies.
“He’s just weird,” said administrative assistant Pauline McBride. “We’ve definitely never had anyone like him working here. But the boys are working on him.”
“He doesn’t really fit in yet,” said Pentagon Librarian Brian Hanish. “He’s always got some peacenik bullshit thing to say to me, but after I’ve stuffed his head in a toilet for an hour or two, he shuts up pretty well.”
Balacci said he forgives his new co-workers because it is human nature to resist difficult transitions, “but the sage understands that softness and tenderness are attributes of life, and hardness and stiffness are attributes of death. Just as a sapless tree will split and decay, so an inflexible force will meet defeat. The hard and mighty lie beneath the ground, while the tender and weak dance on the breeze above.”
Asked to comment about his successor in Augusta, Baldacci said, “Don’t even get me started on that asshole.”