Ugly Backwoods Wench Gets On TV

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Ashley Underwood, who grew up on a dairy farm in Benton, joined the cast of Survivor for its 142nd season, proving that people from Central or Northern Maine can still get on TV, even if they are truly revolting to look at.

This disgusting hag from Central Maine somehow got onto national television.

“Honestly, I am so thankful for this opportunity,” said Underwood, stuttering and spewing saliva as she spoke, as is her custom. “I might be homely as an empty slop bucket, but I’m strong and I’m tough, and that’s what the show is all about.”

Underwood, who smells like a truck stop with a sewage back-up problem, and grows hair in places normally reserved for lower primates, played for the University of Maine women’s basketball team from 2001-2005, and led the league in rebounding because none of the other players wanted to get anywhere near her.

She went on to represent Maine in the 2009 Miss America pageant, with predictable results.

“That competition was all about prissy girls primping for the camera and trying to be ditsy,” says Underwood. “Survivor rewards grit and intelligence. That’s what I’m all about.”

Tina Scheer

As evidence, Underwood cites Tina Scheer, owner of “The Great Maine Lumberjack Show” in Trenton, and a Survivor contestant from Maine who was the first voted off the island in the 2006 season, “because she was all looks, and no substance.”

Scheer “went in there thinking she could primp and pose and flirt her way through the show, and found out real quick that it doesn’t work that way,” said Underwood.

Bob Crowley, the most recent Survivor contestant from Maine, won the $1 million grand prize in 2008 by being old, cagey, and skeletal. He is famous for wearing bow ties, a highly fashion-conscious choice that might have doomed a less-skilled participant.

Survivor is having a dismal ratings season so far,  in part because it airs Wednesdays at 8 p.m., in direct competition with PBS ratings juggernaut Nova.

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