One Last Name in Maine by 2025, Sociologists Predict

By Karl M. Chocensky

ORONO – With only a few last names left after a series of high level family mergers, sociologists have predicted that only one will survive in Maine by 2025.

“According to recent analysis, by 2014, only three last names will be left: Cook, Bishop, and Harvey,” says Assistant Head Director of the Maine Sociological and ATV Association, Scott Bishop Cook Harvey, Jr.

“We’re looking at highly turbulent times in a state that’s already experiencing a serious surname-recession.”

But what impact will this have on a state that’s already known for it’s significant lack of diversity?

According to University of Maine Chief Head of Surnamology, Sean Michael Harvey Bishop Cook Bishop Harvey, Maine will be forced to either legalize incest or outlaw marriage.

“Maine has a proud heritage of nepotism and a strong tradition of driving away people from the North, South, East, and West. It’s either date your cousin and like it–or give up screwing all together.”

He continued, “In a few thousand years maybe Mainers will be so closely bred the we’ll evolve into our own subspecies, much like the English did.”

What an exciting time to be a Harvey, Cook, or Bishop respectively.

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