Republican Senator Prefers Ladies, Says Reliable Sophomore
EAST MILLINOCKET – Brandon Thompson, a Freshman at Schenck High School, announced today that U.S. Senator Susan Collins (R-Maine) is a lesbian.
The bombshell disclosure came at 10:32 a.m., just after Thompson strolled in late to Ms. Grenier’s social studies class and learned his group had been assigned a research topic on important female politicians from Maine.
“This is gay,” said Thompson.
Ms. Grenier pursued clarification “Are you suggesting that Susan Collins is a homosexual?”
“Yeah, whatever,” replied Thompson.
Officials at Collins’ office in Washington did not deny the report. Thompson was not available for further comment, having been sent to the principals’ office.
The announcement fueled speculation that Collins, who is unmarried, fantasizes about Sen. Mary Landrieu (R-Louisiana) during meetings of the Senate Committee on Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs.
“This would put her in the same category as pretty much anyone who watches C-SPAN,” said Bowdoin College Political Science Professor George Towne. “Honestly, I see it only boosting her reputation as a centrist and a horny cougar, which plays well with the Maine electorate.”
Collins’ voting record has earned her numerous endorsements from LGBT-friendly organizations like the Human Rights Campaign. She also introduced a bill this week to remove federal weight limits for trucks using the Interstate in Maine.
“A woman who likes trucks? Come on, shouldn’t we have seen this coming?” said Towne.
Reaction from the public was mixed.
“I’m not surprised,” said Genie Erickson of Winslow. “I mean, she’s from Caribou, right? If I grew up in Caribou, I’d probably be a lesbian, too.”
Thomas Henry, 51, of Bowdoinham believes Collins’ sexuality should not be an issue “as long as she is open about it, preferably on Youtube.”
A source close to Brandon Thompson said he would likely make similar announcements in the next few days about his parents, his brother, his bus driver, the school lunch, and virtually anything else that does not meet his immediate approval.
“I can’t wait to hear what he has to say about the new Commissioner of Education,” said Towne.