Ex-Governor To Capitalize on Dullness Honed in the Blaine House
BANGOR – Despite widespread speculation that his push for wind power would pave the way for a career in alternative energy after he left office, former Gov. John Baldacci announced today that he has opted instead to become a consultant to those who want to become excruciatingly dull.
“I think you would all agree there is a huge need in this area,” Baldacci stated at his press conference, which two reporters attended. “It reminds me of when I first got elected to the legislature. In those days, blah blah blah [meaningful things happened].”
Critics, such as Shawn Verrill of the Maine Association of Attention-Whores (MAAW), quickly point out that Baldacci used his influence as governor to spread boredom all over the state, barely ever appearing in headlines or sound bytes.
“It’s a clear conflict of interest,” said Verrill. “He made Maine mundane for eight years, and now he wants to cash in.”
Baldacci, in his typical soft-spoken and carefully measured affect, brushed off such concerns.
“My experience as a public servant brought me knowledge that can still be useful. What am I supposed to do, go back to cooking spaghetti just because it’s the only thing I didn’t get involved in as governor?”
Baldacci then apologized for saying something interesting and launched into another vapid anecdote about what it was like at Mama Baldacci’s in 1974 or some shit.
Analysts predict a steady stream of tragically interesting clientele will ensure the ex-executive’s services are in high demand.
“For some reason, people like Robert Bentley [controversial governor of Alabama] and Paul LePage [blithering jackass] don’t seem to understand that in a small state, once you’re elected, you should disappear,” explains Louise Schumaker, professor of Political Science at Bates College. “If the media ignore you, then you can basically do what you want and no one will notice.”
MAAW spokesman Verrill remains unconvinced. “Maybe some people want their leaders to lull them into a trance so they can carry on with their puny lives as if civilization itself is not on the brink of implosion. But give me the blithering jackass. At least I’ll know what the hell he’s up to.”