Weather Forecasters Continue Epic Battle for Supremacy
BANGOR – WABI’s Chris Ewing may look like a cute and cuddly harbor seal, but underneath he possesses a mastery of the forces of darkness unmatched in the meteorological profession.
“Fools!” he often shouts from the depths of his cavernous office, in a thundering voice quite unlike the helium-altered one he uses on the air. “They think they can top me with a measly eight inches of snow in twelve hours?! I’ll show them! I’ll show them ALL!!”
Surrounded by mysterious bubbling liquids and enough space-age equipment to make NASA headquarters look like a public school, Ewing knows he has a secret weapon, a weapon so monstrous that even his most hated rivals dare not underestimate him.
No, it’s not an army of portly chipmunks created in his likeness. “I had to let them go,” he explains with a wistful sigh. “OSHA regulations.”
Ewing’s secret weapon is right under his nostrils.
With a devious and ever-so-slight twitch of that mustache, a ho-hum January snowstorm suddenly turns nasty. The temperature jumps to near 32, and jets of frozen water issue from the sky like God’s diarrhea.
“Let’s see those idiots try to drive in this shit,” says Ewing as a sly grin spreads into his jowls. “Mu-wa-hahahahahahaaa!”
Meanwhile, 130 miles away, Joe Cupo and Kevin Mannix, flaccid forecasters at WCHS Channel 6 in Portland, struggle to keep up with Ewing’s mayhem.
“We can do some cool things with our forecast maps,” says Mannix, “like adding little moving waves to the water, so that viewers can clearly tell which part of the map is water and which part isn’t, in case they weren’t sure.”
“It’s pretty neat, but we’re not in Ewing’s league. That man is a beast.”
The one heroic figure who might be able to contain the treachery of the TV 5 forecast center is Charlie Lopresti of WGME in Portland.
“Chris’s powers weaken in extreme freezing conditions,” theorizes Lopresti. “That’s why you always hear him at the end of his forecast bitching about the ‘bitterly cold’ weather coming, even if it’s ten days away.”
Lopresti promises to “shine [his] Magical Gleaming Teeth to the heavens,” sending us few inches of fluffy snow through Maine in the next couple of days. “And while [Ewing] is reacting to that, I’ll use my Black Clicker of Doom to dump a huge Arctic air mass right into his lumpy little lap.”
While he expects to “freeze Penobscot Bay solid in one night, and possibly even Chellie Pingree’s expense account by the end of the week,” even Lopresti admits the chill will only affect Ewing temporarily. Analysts predict he and his mustache will then Get Mad, and that we will not like it when Mr. Ewing Gets Mad.