New Governor Relieved No One Caught On
AUGUSTA – Gov. Paul LePage’s comment that the NAACP could “kiss my butt” was meant literally, according to leaked entries from his personal journal.
Two pages of the newly-elected governor’s handwritten ruminations obtained by the Sardine Report reveal that he is relieved no one realized he was blurting out his confession of a secret fetish.
“I have to be more careful with what I say,” wrote LePage, tossing in his submission for Obvious Statement of the Year. “While I know in my heart there is nothing wrong with desiring someone of a more exotic race to pucker up to my posterior, I’m not sure Maine is ready to be led by a corpulent French Catholic with a black son AND a rump smooching fetish.”
The governor’s tortured chicken-scratch reveals the inner psyche of a small-town mayor suddenly put under the microscope of the national media as he assumes control of the state government and comes to terms with his deviant sexuality.
“It’s already hard enough to find people willing to serve under me,” the journal reads. “Goodness knows how much harder it will be if they ever find out what I really mean by ‘under me.'”
The anonymous source who leaked the diary to the Sardine Report said the governor took comfort in reading recent news reports about New York Jets Coach Rex Ryan, who was allegedly featured in a viral Internet video demonstrating his foot fetish.
“Coach Ryan said he would not discuss his personal life in public, and the governor aims to follow that example,” said the source, who asked to be identified only as “a source close to the governor — really, really close, as in, as close as you can possibly get, if you know what I mean.”