How To…

… Send a Care Package from Maine

By Rosalyn Rose

Find something with a moose design on it.
Next, something with a maple leaf.
I know, that’s Canadian, but how many symbols are there?
Forget the real maple syrup.
Buy something in a plastic jar at the store made from chemicals and pour it into a cute, little glass jar.
Stick a bow on it.
No, gingham is better.
Get out a box.
Now, the bubble wrap.
Get a tiny bit of real maple syrup.
The kind you keep in the cupboard that’s too expensive so you just take it out to smell once in a while.
Pour a little bit out on the bubble wrap.
Just enough to get it sticky.
Now, wrap up your fake maple syrup.
Stick it in the box.
Get some handmade woolen hats or mittens.
Stick them in, too.
Do you have any blueberries?
Oh.
What about that little can that comes in the blueberry muffin package that’s made in China?
Still got one of those?
Sounds good.
Take it out.
Get out a Marks-a-lot.
Write Real Maine Blueberries on it.
Maybe make the “a” backwards to make it authentic.
Stick it in the care package.
Wrap everything up nice.
Go to the post office.
Mail your authentic New England care package to your friends in other parts of the country.
Stop off for a whoopie pie on the way home.
Decide you’re sick of those.
Go eat some Thai food instead.

… See the Northern Lights

By Rosalyn Rose

Check the calendar.
Wait.
A bit longer.
Cross off the days.
Get ready.
It’s finally here.
Stay up late.
Grab a beer.
Go outside.
Build a bonfire.
Invite your neighbors.
Wait.
Wait some more.
Sent the two guys who start fighting home.
Drink some more beer.
Drink all the beer.
Get a text from your city slicker friend who tells you how beautiful the lights are.
Realize living in the pine forests of Maine is not all it’s cracked up to be if you can’t see the horizon.
Get your chainsaw.
Cut yourself a view.
Cut one for your neighbor, too, while you’re at it.
Text your friend back.
Lie.
It was wicked better here without all that light pollution you have in town.
Wait til next year.

… Deal with Frozen Pipes

By Rosalyn Rose

Get out your blowtorch.
Put on appropriate headgear.
Crawl under your house.
Concentrate.
It takes a steady hand.
Oh.
Your house is on fire.
Get the kids outside.
Put down the phone.
No need to call 911.
Let the snow put the fire out.
Why bother the firemen?
Put the kids in the car.
Go to the store.
Buy bottled water.
Wait til April.
It’s only a couple months away.
Who needs a plumber?
You do, of course.
But, he’s kinda testy about your unpaid bill from last winter.
Call your cousin.
See if he wants houseguests.
When he says no, bring the kids back home.
Tell them it’s not your house anymore, it’s your new camp.
Pitch a tent in the livingroom.
They’ll never know the difference.

… Find a Church in Maine

By Rosalyn Rose

Walk down the street.
Look for a church that is stately.
Beautiful.
One that’s been around at least a hundred years.
Check to see what denomination it is.
Does it match yours?
Okay.
Go back on Sunday.
Step inside.
Sit in a pew.
Listen to an unfamiliar style of worship.
Be confused by the hymns.
Go back outside.
Check the words carved in stone on the side of the building.
Look up to read the sign out front.
Discover that being carved in stone is not what it used to be.
Realize a church over a hundred years old has probably changed hands at least ten times.
Go back inside.
Sit down.
Stay for the doughnuts afterward.
Is the coffee good?
Come back next Sunday.
It may be time to change your religion.
Where else can you get a free cup of coffee?

… Tell it’s a Warm Winter in Maine

By Rosalyn Rose

Look out the window.
Oh.
You can actually look out the window?
There’s not a snow drift in front of it?
The curtain’s not glued to the glass with ice?
There’s no blizzard blowing your car into the neighbor’s yard?
It might be a warm winter.
You’d better check.
What’s the temperature?
Is it above -15?
That’s a good sign.
Above 0?
Oh!
Definitely a good sign.
How many times have you gotten stuck in a ditch full of snow this year?
Only twice?
Sounds good.
How many times has your oil tank frozen up?
Just once?
Very good.
Now, drink a boiling hot cup of coffee.
Bundle up in your parka.
Run outside and enjoy the warm weather.
It’s a nice balmy 10 degrees outside!
(Don’t forget your suntan lotion. You might get a sunburn.)

… Use the Computer in Maine

By Rosalyn Rose

Put on your mittens.
Go out to the livingroom.
The fire’s out.
Add wood.
Sit down in the chair.
Open the computer.
Get back up.
Go out to the car.
Look in the glovebox.
Get the ice scraper.
Go back inside.
Sit down.
Scrape the ice off off the screen.
Get up.
Go to the kitchen.
Look in the cupboard.
Get a red Solo cup.
Sit back down.
Make a snow cone.

Comments

  1. This is why i want to move to Tahiti for those months!

    Thanks for the laugh.

  2. How come my husband won’t do that? I have tried putting my hands and feet on him.

    How about writing one about letting the dog in and out :)

  3. the whole state can move at once. maybe we can get a discount on a cruise.

  4. charis, maybe try putting cold feet all over the dog instead. you never know…….

    mmmm….how to teach your dog to drive……..how to make homemade dog biscuits that taste like cats…….how to let your dog out in the snow???? mmm……..you may have something there!

  5. I’m shivering just thinking about the perfect imagery! Brrrr!

  6. I love the rhythm of your poetry, Ros.

  7. ‘Love the whiplash thingie!

  8. These are so great! I enjoy them more each time I read them. Now I’m wracking my mind for more how-to’s. The obvious one is how to boil a lobster. Maybe one about how to move to Maine?

  9. ah. lobsters. how have i not done that yet, you are so right. i had started one on moving here, but it was on the back burner. shall move it up to the front.

  10. I’m in a brainstormish mood this morning. So I will just let ideas spill…

    how to tell you are in Maine/have crossed the state line (wondering if there are rivalries between the adjoining states)
    how to tell it is spring/summer/fall/winter in Maine
    how to speak to a Mainer/understand a Mainer/understand a Down Easter/translate
    how to ask a Mainer on a date/propose marriage/accept or turn down a date/proposal
    how to make friends and influence people in Maine
    how to arrange Ladies Night Out/”do lunch”/host a wedding or baby shower in Maine
    how to arrange Guys Night Out/watch sports on TV/go hunting/fishing in Maine
    how to discuss politics/religion/sex in Maine
    how to get along with the in-laws who live in Maine
    how to explain you are going on a non-Maine vacation/moving away
    how to discipline your kids/show them you love them in Maine
    how to have sex in Maine (in Winter)
    how to plant a garden in Maine
    how to drive/navigate/find your way in Maine
    how to celebrate various holidays in Maine
    how to use technology (computer, iPhones, etc.) in Maine (mittens)
    how to be sick/go to the doctor/get well in Maine
    how to find a church in Maine

    okay enough playing, I have got to get back to work!

  11. ;lku [pou lku ouml pipi
    sorry, was just typing with my mittens on. really did write one on how to move here, though.

    i like the feedback. you guys are great.

  12. OMG, that one had me laughing so hard! I’m still giggling.
    I bet you don’t say OMG in Maine.
    yes I’m from California.
    but I don’t live there anymore, that counts for something, right?

  13. Especially enjoyed the muddy one! LOL’d several times…

  14. Roz, you ask the questions no one else dares to ask:
    “Do you really wanna keep cooking mac and cheese every single night?”
    LOL!

  15. Love these!

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