Thousands of Mysterious White People Voted in Portland, Lewiston, Auburn, Brunswick, Bangor, Brewer, South Portland, Waterville, Ellsworth, Sanford, Saco, Westbrook, Augusta, Orono, Belfast, Bath, Rumford, Newport

EVERYWHERE IN MAINE – An undercover investigation by The Sardine Report has revealed that literally tens of thousands of white people registered to vote on the Election Day, despite the fact that local officials could not remember meeting  them before.

So he has ID. Big deal. Anyone can get a fake ID or a fake piece of mail. Bring on the blood testing!

It would appear that Republican operatives tried to bus in enough pasty, illegitimate voters to swing election results toward the G.O.P. in the largest example of election fraud in state history.

“It was an ingenious plan, really,” commented Maine Democratic Party Chair Ben Grant. ” We were only able to get a few hundred black people up from Massachusetts, and we had them voting in places like West Norridgewock, where they kind of stuck out. In retrospect, it wasn’t the smartest way to undermine the electoral process.”

But illegal Caucasian voters were able to blend in, casting ballots without raising any eyebrows at all.

Rumford town clerk Corinne McLaughlin said they were definitely some shady European-looking types registering on election day in her town. “I make a point of noticing and remembering all the white people in town, and there were definitely a few that I had not seen before,” she said.

When asked if he planned to send mail to these suspicious new voters, Grant pointed out that even if their votes were removed, election results would remain the same. “I don’t know who would be stupid enough to waste party resources just to prove a point,” he said.

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Comments

  1. This white-on-white satire must stop! Can’t we all just get along?

  2. Mary A Briggs says:

    Clearly Charlie Webster is a genius. We thought we were well hidden in among the legitimate white voters. Who would suspect that we weren’t really just residents of a small town in the whitest state in the US? Now they’re mailing postcards? WTF!! Damn you Charlie Webster! You foiled us again!

  3. I tried so hard to be incognito last presidential election but at the polls i was asked my name and then the woman said your not from around here are you? i said is my name on there with my address in this town? Well its says you live here she replied…. But she kinda hung on to the ballot when she was handing it to me-kind of reluctant to let it go. Next time i will rent a van from the college and get a bullhorn to go up and down the streets and announce to anyone who wants-get in! we gonna vote today!

  4. I wonder if Charlie can be charged under the hate crime laws of Maine… Sounds an unsubstantiated bias against a class of people covered by those laws for theurposes of disenfranchising them.

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