Poll: 0% of Mainers Have Changed Opinions on Gay Marriage Since 2009

PORTLAND – Everyone in Maine feels exactly the same way about gay marriage today as they did three years ago, according to a recently-released poll.

The non-partisan Institute for Noticing the Evolution of Rational Thought (INERT) surveyed 5,000 Maine residents, and found that approximately none of them had changed their minds about gay marriage since the 2009 referendum that would have made Maine the first state to get over this whole issue already.

“We are seeing a remarkable lack of fluidity on this issue,” explains INERT’ spokeshuman Martha Wallace.  “I guess the only people watching Modern Family up there are the ones who were already pretty open minded.”

These findings have campaign officials on each side scrambling to figure out how to pick up more votes.

Sources with Mainers United for Marriage said the organization plans to use some of its wealth to pay people from Massachusetts to move to Maine for a couple of weeks around the election.

“We’re lining up volunteers to host these guest transplants,” said the source, who asked not to be identified because he does not exist. “If we can get 50,000 people to show up at Portland City Hall a couple of days before the vote, saying they ‘just moved here’ and are ‘living with friends,’ I think we can swing things our way.”

Even though the defenders of traditional marriage won by a 53% to 47% margin last time, they are not taking anything for granted, particularly since their opposition has raised 35 times as much money as they have.

“We’d like to bus in people from out of state to vote for us, but, unfortunately, we’d have to get them from Kentucky, and we can’t afford to bring 50,000 people that far,” said Carroll Connolly, Director of the Christian Civic League of Maine.  “So we’ll just have to hope that enough Mainers who turned 18 in the last three years are just as enthusiastic and passionate as their parents about forcing everyone to live by the rules of their particular religion.”

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