Official Senate Primary Voting Guide

Whether you’re in the car, on the beach, or at the office, the Sardine Report’s Official U.S. Senate Primary Voting Guide is your source for all the latest and greatest information about the dedicated public servants fighting for the privilege of being trampled by Angus King in the general election.  No matter where you are or what you believe, you can count on the Primary Voting Guide to give you the latest and greatest insights, relevant data, and protection from unsightly wrinkles and varicose veins.  The Sardine Report’s Official U.S. Senate Primary Voting Guide: Afflicting the Comfortable Since About 9:00 Yesterday Morning.®

The Republicans

Richard “Dickie B.” Bennett

Hometown: Oxford
Slogan: “A Maine Native, Yet Alluringly Tan”
Strengths: Outstanding hair, teeth
Weaknesses: Back fur so thick he has to comb it
Issues:  The Bennett campaign has emphasized his “proven history of creating jobs,” which is their way saying the average Republican voter has the IQ of an earthworm.  People in business don’t get up in the morning and say, “I think I’ll create the hell out of some jobs today.”  No, they say, “How can I make more money today?”  Usually, this involves hiring as few people as necessary to keep things running smoothly.  If he is elected, expect Bennett to hack away at the government payroll like there’s no tomorrow.
Bottom Line:  The phrase “Bennett for Senate” has a nice ring to it.  Angus has tried a variety of catchy slogans, but he’s got nothing on that.
 

“How About Another Fling with King?”

 

Scott D’Amboise

Hometown: Lisbon Falls 
Slogan: “They may take our lives, but they’ll never take … our FREEDOM!”
Strengths: Hates the IRS
Weaknesses: Thinks he can actually get rid of the IRS
Issues: “The only thing we need a federal government for is to defend our borders from the tyranny of the British crown.  Everything else should be privatized, and ideally handed over to people who contribute to my campaign.”
Bottom Line: Vote for D’Amboise if you would like to effectively raise the Founding Fathers from the dead, give them no updated information about what events transpired since the 18th century, and put them in charge immediately.
 

It would take about 10 seconds for them to become addicted to Internet porn and thus rendered completely useless to society.

 
 

Debra Plowman

Hometown: Hampden
Slogan: “Snowe… Plowman… Get it?  Ha ha!”
Strengths: Does not require her husband to wear pants when appearing in campaign videos.
Weaknesses: When speaking in public, frequently becomes possessed by stupidity demons
Issues:  Plowman is staunchly pro-life.  In fact, she believes convicted rapists should be released from prison so they can impregnate more people… you know, because life is just that precious.
Bottom Line:  Plowman is Maine’s answer to Sarah Palin, only not nearly as likely to appear in workout gear on the cover of Newsweek.  
 
 

Bruce Poliquin

Hometown:  Waterville 
Slogan: “Can a Brutha Get Some Fiscal Responsibility All Up In this Bitch?  Peace, Yo”
Strengths:  Dug sewer lines to help pay for college, excellent preparation for G.O.P. caucuses 
Weaknesses: Can’t get rid of that creepy sex pervert smile that cannot be unseen.
Issues:  Oh, the man has issues, alright.  Don’t get us started…
Bottom Line:  When asked why people should vote for him, Poliquin said, “Yo, all my homies know, I got the sickest ride, back in the crib, yo, they said I would slide, I’m down with ol’ Paul, and they all up in my grille about it, but, damn, the hoes are attracted, ’cause when I get hard, I’m at least a yard. Peace, I’m out.”
 

William Schneider

[Note to self: When writing the section about Schneider, be careful not to mention you-know-what.]
 
Hometown: Durham
Slogan: “Totally Not Looking for Your Sympathy Vote… Probably”
Strengths: Schneider obviously has a number of important qualities that would make him a fine Senator.  That other thing is totally irrelevant.
Weaknesses:  None.  The man is remarkably strong in every single way.  An absolute stud bull superhero.
Issues:  Schneider stands for a number of key principles.  He is a rare politician who really walks the walk.  As Maine’s Attorney General, he really got the wheels turning on the legal challenge to the Affordable Care Act, and his tough legwork in prosecuting Maine’s most hardened criminals should not be ignored.  
Bottom Line:  Whether your decide to vote for Bill Schneider or not, his condition should have no bearing on your decision.  In fact, it’s best that you don’t even know about it.  So put it out of your mind.
 
 

Charles E. Summers

Hometown:  Scarborough
Slogan: “The girls crave my bod.”
Strengths: Served in Iraq and Afghanistan, and, more importantly, remembers to mention it at the beginning of every sentence he utters.
Weaknesses:  Secretary of State?  Can’t we do better than someone’s secretary?  Honestly?
Issues:  Wants to balance the budget, but increase spending for space programs and the military.  Fiscal responsibility, with a fricking’ laser beam attached to its head.  He also likes to watch girls make out with each other, but opposes same sex marriage.  WTF, Charlie?
Bottom Line:  If he goes to the Senate, you can expect him to pretty much do Republican-y things while he’s down there.  
 

That includes growing jowls, or other superfluous flaps of skin in the vicinity of his face.

 
 
The Democrats

Cynthia Dill

Hometown: Cape Snobbyville, at the corner of Wealth Avenue and Filthy Rich Lane
Slogan: “Be Sure to Cast a Dill-icious Vote on Tuesday!”
Strengths:  Has earned the support of the powerful pearl necklace manufacturing industry.
Weaknesses:  Can’t put down 50 Shades of Grey.
Issues:  Dill gets all long-winded and boring and informative explaining her issues, and we’re frankly not motivated enough to sift through her snooty, fact-laden manifesto.  If you feel like it, be our guest.
Bottom Line:  If there is one candidate who can finally deliver us from a world where women suffer denigration, abuse, and marginalization on a daily basis, and rescue us from prejudicial cultural influences that enable policies that prevent vulnerable minorities from being dealt a fair hand, it’s this Jew broad right here. 
 
 

… is he falling over, or is someone just learning how to take pictures?

Matthew Dunlap

Hometown: Old Town
Slogan: “Wait, I need a slogan?”
Strengths: Was captain of the track team at Mount Desert Island High School.
Weaknesses:  Considers being captain of his high school track team an achievement worth mentioning in campaign materials for the goddamn United States Senate.  Charlie Summers: fought in Iraq and Afghanistan.  Matt Dunlap: jumped into a pit of dirt a bunch of times and then became a bartender.  Awesome.
Issues:  Dunlap promises to “fight for Maine’s working families.”  Phew!  We were waiting for someone to make that promise!  Sign us up for a campaign contribution today!
Bottom Line:  Yes, he has a line on his bottom, but there is really no need to go on and on about it.  We all have our little quirks.
 
 
 
 

Jon Hinck

Hometown: Portland
Slogan: “Dear God I Hope No One Looks Into My Sordid Past”
Strengths:  Has almost 400 Facebook “likes;” not bad for someone who once stabbed a prostitute and threw her body into a sewerage aeration bin.
Weaknesses:  Obviously has no sense of fiscal priorities – he paid someone to work up a fancy-ass website and a bunch of signs when he has no chance of winning this election due to his extensive criminal record.
Issues:  Hinck is considered the greenest candidate on the ballot, which all but guarantees that, even if he pulls off some miracle in the primary, Angus King will eat him for breakfast.
Bottom Line: Hinck needs to overcome a lot of skeletons in his closet to gain traction in his campaign.  Aside from the fact that he wanders urban streets, flashing little girls, Hinck has been known to walk up to old ladies and tell them they’re fat and ugly and need to die to preserve resources for the rest of us.  He has a giant tattoo on his back, depicting a viper eating a baby, which he paid for by selling crack cocaine to elementary school students.  Also, he co-founded Greenpeace in 1979, and spent his career suing corporations for messing up the environment.  Yikes, what an asshole.
 

At least he’s not one of these guys.

 

Benjamin Pollard

Hometown: Blue Hill
Slogan: “I exist!”
Strengths:  According to a profile in the Portland Press Herald, Pollard is 39, single, favors a nationwide railway, has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and wants to join the Navy.  You have to admire a man who wakes up one morning and says, “I’m going to run for the Senate as an ambiguously gay nerd with a mental illness and a series of absurd and pointless ideas, just to fuck with the world.”  The fact that his completely farcical campaign somehow managed to collect enough signatures to appear on the ballot marks a stunning achievement fit for cinema.
Weaknesses:  Official campaign website has all the visual appeal of a medical exam room in a ghetto clinic.
Issues: “The Government should provide excellent educational opportunities for all Americans.”  Oh, is that how it is?  Only for Americans?  Are non-Americans supposed to just sit around and be stupid?  Maybe mow our lawns and pick our fruit and have their illiterate conversations in their filthy shacks?  Would that make you happy?
Bottom Line: If you’re still reading this, you’re probably one of the dozen or so people who were going to vote for him, anyway.

Comments

  1. I will have nightmares every time I think of this. Thank you:-)

  2. This is incredibly juvenile. And I mean that as a compliment.

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