Democrats Sleep Through “State of the State” Speech
AUGUSTA – Gov. Paul LePage set a personal record Tuesday evening by speaking in public for 45 minutes without pissing anybody off, thanks to what seasoned observers described as a horribly dull speech.
“This is the first time since he took office that the Governor has acted like a real politician – saying nothing substantial, offending no one, and remaining more or less likeable,” commented George Provencher, Professor of Political Science at Colby College. “I kept waiting for him to cut a huge fart or something, but it didn’t happen.”
Instead, Democrats were left scrambling at the end of the speech for something negative to say. Senate Minority Leader Barry Hobbins (D-Saco), who only managed to get elected because he happens to possess a magic ring with evil powers, attacked the governor’s speech as “vague.”
He went on to complain that the speech was “full of words” and “delivered at a podium.”
House Minority Leader Emily Cain (D-Orono) said LePage was “much more positive than we expected,” while Sen. Seth Goodall (D-Richmond) said LePage should “rot in hell for antagonizing the People of Maine with his harsh, divisive rhetoric.” Goodall later admitted that he’d slept through the whole thing, while Cain acknowledged that she may have been distracted while watching an episode of “Modern Family” on her iPad.